


Over Her Head

by orphan_account



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: BTHB, Pidge Angst, pidge centric, self-harm (prompt)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: She felt hot, too hot. Sweat was beading at the nape of her neck, dripping down her chin, and clamming at her palms. Pidge bit her tongue, drawing in another shaky breath."Nowhere left to run, nowhere left to hide," Haxus taunted, taking another step towards her crumpled form on the ground. He raised his sword, and with a startled gasp, he fell forward. She took her chance and slid to the side, extending her bayard's cord around his ankles. He tumbled downwards into darkness, screaming in agony.
Relationships: Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710424
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Over Her Head

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DifferentChild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DifferentChild/gifts).



> Please heed trigger warnings!! ¡¡SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT¡¡
> 
> This fic is made in no way to glorify or promote self-harm or suicide. If you live in the US and feel this way, please contact this number: +18002738255
> 
> Stay safe everyone <3

It was a late night at the castle, the only sound being the gentle hum of the machinery echoing through the empty halls. A steady blue glow gently basked the corridors in a cool light, yet still maintaining an eerie darkness behind it all. As the castle aimlessly sauntered through the quietness of space, the Green Paladin could feel anything but tranquil.

Pidge was hunched over her makeshift desk, laptop splayed open in front of her, lines of code just begging to be deciphered. Countless wires connected the Galran crystal to her device, but at the current moment she couldn't bring herself to work on it.

She had killed someone that previous day. It was going to breathe down her neck for the rest of her life, his final scream pounding in the back of her skull. His wide-eyes as he tumbled to his death forever etched into memory. Lieutenant Haxus had been his name, and she had killed him. Pidge sucked in a deep breath, clenching her hand around the table edge.

She felt hot, too hot. Sweat was beading at the nape of her neck, dripping down her chin, and clamming at her palms. Pidge bit her tongue, drawing in another shaky breath.

_"Nowhere left to run, nowhere left to hide," Haxus taunted, taking another step towards her crumpled form on the ground. He raised his sword, and with a startled gasp, he fell forward. She took her chance and slid to the side, extending her bayard's cord around his ankles. He tumbled downwards into darkness, screaming in agony._

_"You killed him," a voice whispered behind her. She turned on her heel, watching her brother advance towards her. "You had the ability to stun him, but you pushed,"_

_"You're a murderer," her mom called, shaking her head in disbelief. "I raised you better than this, Katie,"_

"I'm sorry!" Pidge abruptly screamed, knuckles growing white as her grip around the table tightened. Her breathes were quick and labored, occasionally hitching. She bit her lip aggressively, dissatisfied at how little pain it brought her. _He died because of me. I got away hands free. I'm a murderer._ words raced through her mind, polluting every thought that flashed by.

The Green Paladin stumbled backwards, a cold and uncomfortable feeling pooling in her chest. Pidge could feel her body tremble whenever she straightened her back, the sweat causing her sweatshirt to stick to her skin. It was too much, Pidge couldn't focus, couldn't _breathe_.

Pidge reached for her backpack, pulling the familiar grey object closer and rummaging through one of the front pockets. She groaned, stopping her search to pull the sweatshirt over her head, tossing it onto the ground in a fit of rage. Her tank top was damp and sticking to her torso.

She clenched her eyes shut, running her fingers through her hair and sucking in a new hitched breath. Pidge reached into the open pocket once again, fingers grasping tightly around a small object.

_"Here, Pidge. It'll help protect you when I'm out in space and can't be there for you," Matt kindly smiled, extending his hands where a deep green pocket knife was resting in his palm. She brushed aside a strand of hair, picking up the knife and carefully taking in every detail._

She had protected herself, but at the cost of somebody's life. Haxus could have had a family, or a significant other. He may have been on the wrong side of the war, but that didn't mean he was incapable of caring for those close to him. And within seconds Pidge had taken that.

Pidge could feel her cheeks flush, warmth spreading as a mix of tears and sweat dribbled down her face. When had she started crying? Pidge shook the thought away, instead pulling the blade close. She shuddered, suddenly feeling her body tingle with pins and needle sensations. Pidge opened the blade, taking a second to look at the sharp silver.

Her gaze shifted to her wrist, scanning over the pale skin that was typically hidden beneath her long sleeves and paladin armor.

Pidge dragged the blade once in a swift motion, deep enough to draw red from the slice, but not deep enough to puncture a vein. A tear slipped down her cheek, wetting her tank top again.

 _Murderer_.

She pulled it across a second time.

 _Weak_.

Again.

 _Selfish_.

Her arm was covered in blood. The crimson beaded and dripped onto her leg and pooled onto the ground, but she could only shake uncontrollably. Her throat felt closed off, her mind distantly swimming in darkness. She only felt pain, except it felt _good_. What was wrong with her?

She curled into herself, letting a strangled cry escape from her lips. In the distance all she could hear were the gradually sinking screams of the Galran Lieutenant, and she swore that if she opened her eyes at this point the scene would replay itself before her. She may not be a child, but she was still young at war. How many more deaths would she witness? Be the cause of?

She didn't want this. Pidge never asked to do this. She just wanted to see her father and brother again, but what was the cost? She had become a killer. What would happen if Matt couldn't bear to look at her, his baby sister too far gone? She could still save lives, but just not in the way one would think.. right?

If she took her own, what harm could she cause to those around her?

Pidge carefully peeled her eyes open, vision swimming as tears continued to flow like a waterfall. She blinked, watching as two yellow eyes swam into her mind.

 _"You truly are a child. Weak and pathetic, incapable of carrying the burdens of war. But your time has only just begun,"_ Haxus' voice remained in the back of her mind. Her eyes widened, and her breathing involuntarily picked up speed.

"I... I'm not a child. I'm a Paladin of Voltron," she whispered back to herself. Her shoulders shook, and her body curled in tighter. Her arm began to sting, but at this current point she couldn't find the motivation to worry about her physical well being.

_”But are you?” She could practically hear his eyebrow raise. “Or are you a murderer?”_

She was. There was no denying it, she had _killed_ Haxus without even attempting to knock him out when she had the opportunity. 

Pidge fought back another sob, clutching her arm as she walked down the halls of the castle. She occasionally stopped to attempt to collect herself, which typically ended in her grasping her chest and crying. She finally stood before an elevator; hand hovering above the button that would take her down.

She needed to face what she had caused. Her fingertips pressed down on the button, the doors sliding shut. Pidge felt the mechanical whirr as the room descended through the shaft.

She took in a deep breath when the bell chimed, preparing herself to step forward. When the doors opened, all color drained from her face.

The sweat was back, an itch covering every inch of her body. Haxus’ body was splayed on the ground, dried purple blood pooled beneath his head. White bone peeked from his stomach, a twisted expression on his face. Next to him, metal plates that had once been her friend were shattered to bits.

 _You caused this_ the voice was back. This is what she had done, the body of her kill. The body of a once living person.

Pidge’s stomach dropped, and she felt bile rise through her throat. She swallowed back, stumbling back into the elevator and returning to the main floor.

This was her doing. As a Paladin she’d have to keep doing this, but Pidge didn’t _want_ to. She didn’t want to kill, she didn’t want to hurt anybody- she didn’t want to fight in a war. She just wanted her family.

But her selfish desires caused this, and there was no going back. Biting her tongue hard, she steeled herself and walked along the catwalk.

They could find another paladin, it was only about a week she had been with this team. Nothing too valuable.

She kneeled at the edge, right where Haxus had fallen. The abyss was dark, she couldn’t see the bottom.

Shiro was still a part of Voltron. He had worked with Sam and Matt, and wouldn’t stop until he saved them.

She leaned forward.

“Pidge!” 

. . . . . . . . . .

The healing pods definitely took a lot more than Lance had anticipated, but what mattered was that he was all better and ready to take action. He couldn’t recall much from the actual fall of the castle, but briefly remembered a bomb, Coran, and Pidge.

After she had told the team about her gender, Lance felt a bit bad, and shocked. In the Garrison he had done so many things his mother would berate him for had she known he was living with a woman.

_”Alejandro Charles McClain-Serrano, you challenged a young woman to a dating bet? You are grounded, niñito!”_

He chuckled at the thought of his mother’s exasperated lectures, but stopped when he heard someone cry out. It didn’t seem out of pain, more out of anger or stress.

He frowned, but instead chose to continue getting ready for the morning. The healing pod had messed with his inner clockwork, but he elected that it was fine and probably a good thing to be awake while in space, just in case they needed a ninja sharpshooter to deal with intruders.

He finished brushing his teeth, placing the equivalent of a toothbrush back into the cup and wiping his mouth. Lance pulled on his jacket, slipping out of this room and down the hall.

Lance had made it his objective to map out the large ship, in case of an emergency where they needed to know where everything on the ship was. He strolled through the bridge, walking past the training deck and kitchen. 

He found a new hallway, making haste as he walked down the long corridor. Lance turned the corner, heart racing as he saw Pidge leaning over an edge.

“Pidge!” He shouted, dashing forward and wrapping his arms around her midsection. She promptly screamed, struggling to get out of his grip- but Lance was not having it. He pulled her back to the center of the platform.

“L-Lance?” She breathed, continuing to shake in his arms. Lance noted that her hair was slick from sweat, and her eyes were red and puffy. Had she been crying. Lance’s stomach dropped when he caught sight of her wrists.

“Pidge, what did you do?” He whispered, pulling her to her feet. She stayed silent, eyes wide and staring at the ledge. Lance frowned, slipping his arm beneath her knees and picking her up.

“I killed him,” she slowly responded, eyes glazed over as the Blue Paladin walked down the pathway to the med bay.

“What do you mean?” Lance raised an eyebrow, allowing the door to slide open.

“Haxus. He was a person, a real person, and I killed him,” she mumbled. “I don’t want to be a paladin. I tried telling myself it was for a good cause but I can’t justify _murder_ ,”

“Pidge- did you try to kill him?” Lance set her down on a bed, rummaging through the cabinets for something to clean and wrap Pidge’s arm. All while keeping an eye on the girl.

“No,” Came her response.

“Then you can’t call yourself a murderer when you never meant to,” Lance sighed, grabbing makeshift bandages. “When I was a kid, I accidentally hit a frog with my bike. I was so scared, but my mamá told me this: she said that I didn’t plan for the frog to be there, and I didn’t want to hit it. And because of that, it was nobody’s fault, and in your case, if not Haxus’ for being there in the first place,” 

“I.. guess,” she sighed, avoiding eye contact.

“Pidge, promise me you won’t do this to yourself. You can talk to me, anytime. I’m here for you,” he pleaded.

“Okay…” she still stared off into the distance.

“It’s okay to not be okay,”


End file.
